


no fake worries (they're all too real)

by kihyunskitten



Series: just another boy [1]
Category: iKON (Kpop)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Character Study, Gender Dysphoria
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-30 00:44:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6400984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kihyunskitten/pseuds/kihyunskitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In elementary school there were always 'boys only' clubs on the playground. They poked fun at Hanbin for wanting to join, so he went to the 'girls only' club on the other side of the playground. He really didn't feel like he fit, but they were nice to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	no fake worries (they're all too real)

**Author's Note:**

> trans boy hanbin fic aka an excuse for me to wax poetic abt my own dysphoria. hooray
> 
> an alternate summary: in which cisnormativity sux major assholes
> 
> (also in this hanbin is designated female @ birth (dfab) but i'm using he/him pronouns throughout it because like, those r the correct pronouns even if he doesnt know it i do since i am the omnipresent author hoo ha ha)

Hanbin was five and laughing obnoxiously at a joke his cousin made when one of his aunts told him that it wasn't ladylike, the way his mouth would hang open as he snorted. He screamed, "Well maybe I don't _want_  to be ladylike!!!" before storming off and crying in the basement until his mom came looking for him for dinner. Sitting at the kids table he overhears his aunt speaking to his mom, "That girl has no manners. I honestly don't know how you handle her," before sending a pointed look to Hanbin. He felt eyes boring into his shoulders and didn't understand why it hurt so much.

- 

Hanbin was in third grade the first time someone flipped up his skirt (which he didn't want to wear anyways, but it was picture day and his mom wanted him to look nice). He kneed the boy in the nose, getting him sent to the nurse with a piece of tissue against his nose and tears in his eyes. After getting sent home early Hanbin's mom was upset, trying to explain, "You need to be patient with boys. They're young, they don't get it, you have to act like a lady Hanbin." 

Mumbling under his breath Hanbin complained, "Well _he_  wasn't acting like a lady." The sentence makes his mother laugh.

"Well of course not, he's a boy. You're a young lady so it's your responsibility to act like one."

Sinking down in his seat, Hanbin crosses his arms over his chest and grumbles "Maybe I don't _want_  to be a young lady. If I was a boy then I'd get away with stuff."

His mother pretends not to hear him.

-

In elementary school there were always 'boys only' clubs on the playground. They poked fun at Hanbin for wanting to join, so he went to the 'girls only' club on the other side of the playground. He really didn't feel like he fit, but they were nice to him.

- 

When Hanbin went to middle school, everyone was growing up and getting taller. His chest developed into something he needed to go bra shopping for. Getting called a budding young woman by his mother made him fifty different kinds of uncomfortable, but he couldn't really figure out why. 

He gets a black bra. It's simple and bland. It gives him as much shape under a shirt as he can get with his size, but he still holds a notebook to his chest in the hallway, pressing down.

-

For some reason he was dubbed 'the tomboy friend' in his little group (some girls he knew in elementary, some from his classes). He didn't really hang out with guys. They were intimidating, and the guy who Hanbin kneed in the face still sent him glares in the hallway.

Hanbin is comfortable in jeans and oversized shirts that make his chest seem even smaller. His hips are narrow, unlike the other girls he's friends with. They're all beautiful and nice, and they never make fun of Hanbin about his body or choice of fashion, just over the fact he's the only one in their friend group who hasn't dated. Making a comeback about how boys in their school aren't worth dating is met with a chorus of agreements.

-

In classes Hanbin sits with his legs wide open. His English teacher tells him to sit like a lady and he doesn't move. The teacher writes a slip and gives Hanbin detention for a week. His mom asks why he always has to cause trouble.

"I wouldn't give them trouble if they left me alone," he would say, storming into his room and slamming the door.

-

The first time Hanbin wakes up to blood between his legs he screams so loud his mom is up and in his room within the minute. When she sees what's going on, she smiles and tells Hanbin he's becoming a woman.

Hanbin cries and stays home from school for the entirety of his period.

-

It's freshman year of high school when Hanbin finally gets permission from his mom to get his hair cut short. Having had hair down to the center of his back was always irritating. Going through at least ten hair ties a week because Hanbin would lose them or they'd break wasn't something his mother supported, so she reluctantly agreed to the idea of the haircut.

Seeing locks of hair on the floor was so liberating and freeing that Hanbin cried. The hairdresser had to stop, concerned but all Hanbin could do was smile through his tears and thank her. She smiled and continued when he'd calmed down. After she asked for the thirtieth time if his mom was okay with this, and he nodded, she hummed and finished layering his hair.

The finished product was short, he could literally feel the weight lifted off his shoulders. His bangs were long enough to cover his brows, the rest of his hair layered and soft and not passing his jaw.

Hanbin could tell his mother wasn't thrilled, through a somewhat forced smile she asked if he liked it. 

"I really do," he had replied, doing his best to suppress a giant grin. 

Her smile turned to something more genuine and heartfelt at that. "Then I like it too."

 

**Author's Note:**

> jst a psa: the working title for this was dfab (designated fuckhead at birth) (can u tell i love hanbin?) and yes i am aware the series title is cheesy as all hell but, im a cheesy bitch so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> this will be part of a series. i am working on some stuff right now for the second part. will post as i feel (or as i am peer pressured to do so. whatever comes first)
> 
> validation and/or constructive criticism is super duper welcomed please i am lonely


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